To be considerate, gentle and thoughtful. Opposite of defensive and unkind. To be like a japanese this season and not like an american. God convicted my heart not to be like an American. Can be so obnoxious, loud and expressive. It’s okay to have stiffed upper lip. As long as when you speak, speak with wisdom and discernment.

Spending time with mom and dad. The Lord convicted my heart that I ought to spend time with them to study His word together since dad finds it hard to be mentored by Mr Tee. Mom needs more stimulation and intellectual challenge.

Learning humility and letting go. Somehow the miracle of God just switching something deep in me. Like when i got back, things just change so much. It’s like a paradigm shift. Somehow rather, no expectation, no wants, no demands.

It’s crazy this bdays, I have zero wishes for myself but just prayed that everyone i know is healthy. It seems to me like contentment in godliness is great gain.

Hind’s feet, the ability to walk in more freedom.

Lord…

Lord, as you called me to do your will, help me to have a gentle tongue, wise mind and a sense of reverence towards You. May you help me with my relationships.
Lord, help me to discern who you want me to spend time with and help me also not to be so individualistic about it. Only you can actually grant me this wisdom.
Lord, please grant me discernment towards my talents and gifts.
Lord, give me the peace when I sleep.
Lord, use me to do Your will. May you give me the courage to live the life you want me to live.

Contented, contented and contented

40, contented and at peace with almost everything, everyone and most importantly inwardly I am truly at a place of calmness.

The years of wrestling with God, people and myself and having to come to this point (maybe momentary before coming to valleys/mountains) again, what I am truly glad is the ability to learn some hard lessons about idolatry and sins, trauma and wounds.

Sanctification is one of the utmost important work as a christian. To come to this point of ultimate surrender that God is the most important being in my life is truly the best wrestle ever. I won over my worldly mind. NO amount of milestones and travels and bfs (men) or even worldly status could ever come close to this shalom peace from God.

I stand in awe of His grace. I am ashamed of my grandeur. So much about me, myself and I. The next step of life which I need to be aware of is pride. The pride of knowing better or knowing it all is what I need to be conscious about. It’s so easy to step into the Pharisee mode or gleaning towards the Sadducee mode. Maturity takes a lot of humility and dying to self. Repentance been hardest yet most fulfilling. Sometimes replaying my old self it’s like wow, how can I ever be so certain that I am godly/holy/right whereby I am far off from it.

Lord, help me to journey with other people as You journey with me. I pray this season, you’ll bring me to a still.small.secure life of a christian journey. I used to dream of myself as being impactful famous and popular but right now, I pray you’ll use me in wherever you called me to. Help me to also be discipline in boundaries.

12.26am

Such a bizarre day. Tried to sleep at 1am last night but couldnt coz eeling was snoring like a railway track. Managed to sleep at 4am in the living room and was awaken by 7am by edmond’s mom. Had quite a chill day morning with 3 kids and drove home around noon time. Needed a nap before leaving for office. Took off early and went for a 2.5hours of massage. Dinner was my fav paprik rice with tomyam. Played mahjong with ah pak and pak leong before coming home.

Sitting right here in the living room feeling absolutely contented. I changed the living room a little bit. Devon gave me a rose gold lamp and i shifted a few plants here and then. The house looks so much cosier. I am supposed to throw more things tomorrow but I shall see how.

Was browsing through fb, feeling really missing out. A lot of girls my age are all married with pre teens kids and most of my friends are moving towards planning for their kid’s uni and college. Here I am thinking what I am supposed to do.

Part of me feels like is there something I need to grief? There is a huge part of me that feels like all these years, I’ve made the right decision to be single. From the nobody to somebody till now single, I knew every single decision was a conscious one that there wasn’t anyone. Looking at edmond, 3 kids packed with so much work. I felt my years was invested in church and ministry. Big part of me know that it was worth it. Lord, there is so much selfishness past few years. I feel the 30s was filled with so much pushing the lines, passing through and trying to navigate life.

Lord, what have I been doing? All I know that I have invested so much in friendship, so much in family, so much in ministry and so much in people.

Lord, thank you for your grace and mercy. I particularly want to thank you for your providence. Thank you for keeping me safe, sound and sane. Thank you for keeping my health and fitness well. Forgive me when I struggle so much with body weight issue. Forgive me when I am battling with eating disorder past 20 years. Forgive me when I say I repent, but I dont.

Lord, forgive me when I take my business for granted. I know past 10 years, I have been floating. Yet your grace is undeserving that IPC and Empire remain intact.

Father God, thank you for my house. You’ve roofed me past 8 years of my life. Moving out been one of the best freedom. Forgive me when I think it’s not enough. I keep wanting more. I keep wanting to move to London and America. I keep wanting to get married. I keep wanting someone to marry me and move in with me. But I forget it is you who stays with me.

Lord, when I know everything is pre-destined. I feel that sense of surrenderedness. I feel that I dont need to work on my salvation. Holy Spirit, break forth anything that is dishonouring to God.

Father God, father me the next 40 years of my life into the promised land.
Jesus, be my shepherd to hold my heart and walk me through the valleys of downs.
Holy Spirit, direct me to His kingdom so that i will not fail.

I am truly not an exception. Thank you for opening up my eyes to show me your light.

Having patience with mom. Sometimes I feel myself being too critical and condemning towards her. I feel the need to fix her. Lord, help me to see her the way you see her. Stop myself from being so critical and judgemental. Help me to see that i too have the plank in my eye and I am not perfect.

Grateful and Restful

Jeremiah 33:11 “Give thanks to the Lord Almighty,
    for the Lord is good;
    his love endures forever.”

Lord, you’ve been so faithful in keeping me safe. Thank you for leading me to read your word so faithfully. Thank you for your providence for me through my friends and mentors. Thank you for penne and aunty julie’s time with me. Thank you for anna, rachel, chloe, aaron, jenna, jacob, wendy and wee kiat. Thank you for their lives.

Lord, show me your way in the next coming month. I pray you will make it clear which church, which ministry and which vocation you want to lead me to. I know there is no the perfect one but show me the way. Direct me to your right path. I want to honour you with holiness.

Lord, i am turning 40, it is where I imagine myself to be. I think you know my heart, my genetic make up and my personality. I always say i wanted to marry and have four kids but it didnt happen because i know my gut feeling all these years were right about guys and people. I dont want to be the kinda girl pressured to get married and tie a man down for security sake. Maybe I am lucky and maybe i am unlucky but I know i am walking right in the centre of your will.

Lord, thank you for revealing to me about mr rgcc. I am glad i had a conversation with him and sorry that I hurt him most and he felt the most rejection from me. Lord, as much as it pains his heart, it pained mine as well and i cried so much for him. I just pray for him as he goes through this rebellious state that You will find him and He will come back to you. Lord, i sometimes miss the way he adores me and how he find ways to touch my hand but i know it’s not going back to the previous time. Enough of tears.

Lord, thank you for revealing to me about MT. I love how fast you brought clarity and i know a guy who doesnt know what he wants is someone that i dont want to end up with because it will be more frustrated in future. Thank you for the closed door with the people who are not meant to be in my life.

Sometimes i get too caught up in things especially my own judgement and insecurities but i thank you for this time of rest and getaway. Amazing to be in this 5 star hotel and somehow my body is so relaxed. Lord, give me courage to do the right things especially at work.

Lord, i pray you deepen dad’s love for you. I pray that you heal mom from her pain and diseases. Lord, i pray you sustain mom and dad’s life so that we will have more time together. Pray for quel’s pregnancy, may she have a good pregnancy. Pray for levi and nana and cw, they’ll be happy and healthy.

God, i pray for you to work in my eating disorder and also self-control. Help me to feel healthy about my body and build a good relationship with food. Help me to digest what’s on my mind so that I will be able to experience full restoration of it and also the ability of it. Help me to be thankful for my body. Thank you for the good body check up results. I pray i will be able to control my fried food intake and also pray for weight loss for better blood pressure reading.

God, you reign. You are sovereign. You are my God who saves and rescues me from the pit of darkness. Lord, you provide me with sustenance and providence. Past few years, I see how you’ve worked through the pains and crisis. I celebrate not in the eyes of the world but in your eyes Lord. Every trials, i see your hand working through my aches and my rebellion and stubbornness.

Lord, thank you for Anna. She is the best girl friend in my books and I am just super thankful for her emotional support and her nuggets of wisdom. I love her so much and as she goes through this hard times, Lord, use me to bless her in everyway. Thank you that she shows me how rewarding obedience can be.

Thank you for Aunty Julie. I know she has her quirks and she can sometimes be too stern and principled beyond, but we see how strong and beautiful she is. That beneath that strong, hard and principles self, she is one powerful, loving and caring woman. Thank you for her coz I always feel so blessed and seen by her. I love that we have mother and daughter rship and the most awesome mentor and mentee rship.

Thank you for Michael. Lord, this is such a great man of God. Forgive me when I bash him and treat him with recklessly but I pray you will remind him that I am not the best model to show christlikeness. Thank you that He is always there and always so patient with me and how he loves through his act of service. Lord, bless him in ways that He cannot imagine.

Lord, thank you for Jacob. He is my cheerleader and keeps pushing me in my knowledge with you. Thank you that he reminds me of the pearl of life. Thank you that he shares his resources and always there to contend and bless me with his wisdom. Thank you Lord that you send brothers and sisters to care for my spiritual walk and he is one of them. Lord, he is so consistent and discipline, and he showed me how i should always analyze and not let my emotions hijack me. So lord, help me to deal with my emotions properly.

Lord, thank you for my parents for they have grown heaps and bounds. Lord, sorry that I am not the most understanding daughter because it seems my expectations for them is a lot. Forgive me when I judge them. Forgive me when I am so harsh to them. Lord, help me to release grace as you release your grace to me. I thank you that they always accept my views. Help me to love them and not be harsh. Help me to forgive quickly. Help me to honour them with all that I can.

Lord, jian is one of the longest best gift you’ve given me. I love him so much in such pure form and it is so healthy to be where we are. Respect/honour and trust. I pray you will use me to lead him to your kingdom. It is true when he told me over on the phone that what we have, most married couple do not have. Lord, even when I am married, help me to not forget him and help me to always allocate time with him and assure him how important He is in my life.

Thank you for encounters. Amazing deep friendship past half year of my life. Amazing how much grace, love and abundance just flow from the friendship. When you experience half of my life being surrounded by the most amazing people. Life experience that turns into stories and precious stories and it makes a huge part of you. How you weave the threads and how it becomes a beautiful picture. Lord, indeed when you sow a seed of friendship, you reap a bouquet of joy!

Lord, i pray for all the lonely, single and wounded women. Use me to build your ministry. Help me to not think of myself at all and use me to do your works. Lord, as I seek you and align myself with you, birth that ministry which you started so long ago, it’s not going to be anything new, but it’s going to be something deep and life changing.

Lioness arising

Behold, a people! As a lioness it rises up and as a lion it lifts itself; it does not lie down until it has devoured the prey and drunk the blood of the slain. Numbers 23:24

Dear Lydia,

You are turning 39 in 3 days and it’s been a while since you updated the blog but today i am going to update the blog for you because i want you to achieve a slight sense of accomplishment. The ability to finish a task and express what you truly feel. Instead of writing down milestones and write down your sets of achieements, I want you to focus on really accepting and admitting your flaws. This will enable you to tune into the reality of things and do things slightly different than usual.

Lydia, you have been emotional and over intensify feelings a little bit too much and sometimes it wrecked you a lot. BY being emotional, it makes you feel really angry, sad and resentful. It does not help you most of the time because the next thing you realize is when it affects your other parts of your life. Being emotional creates that obsession of revisiting memories or past that inflicts pain in you. It makes you compulsive. Emotions have caused you to also overeat. Emotional also create that unhealthy drive to unproductivity, messy life and toxic person. Hence, right now, you have to stop relying too much on feelings and start to focus on being aware of your emotions.

Lydia, you have been also very ego driven and proud. Your need for approval and being the best in everything is a sign of poor esteem and confidence. I pray you will be spirit led instead of ego led. A lot of things have sprung out from the scared to die, scared to lose, scared to be left out. So much fear of something and leading life like this will cause you to be very tired and lonely. Help me to go of the ego that i have or even better help me to die in my ego. I know it’s a process but lord, create that awareness and need in me that being ego driven does not help me.

The other thing which I think you can work on is the ability to be hardworking and your productivity. It’s been the longest time since you struggle with very minimal work and poor quality of work in your business life or career, I pray you’ll be more driven and find that passion or goal that you can work on. I pray you will have the power of resilience, perseverance and most importantly the sense of purpose.

Greed could also be something you struggle with and you need to know that you always cover yourself with power, money, material and posessions and its been pretty what you hide internally that nobody actually knows but you secretly covet. You want to have that chanel bag, that GLC car, that kitchen aid mixer and the ability to travel.

Judging is is the other thing that you are so good at doing and when you do it it’s so cruel as though you know everything and you are right. This is so unhealthy because it makes you such a pharisees and hypocrite. Like why will you do that to anyone without knowing who they are and the more you judge others the more you train your mind to find the bad in others.

Lord, forgive me as I work on the above the next one year. I dont think i will be free from it but the self realization and awareness will enable to change and transform. Lord, help me to transform my worldliness according to your word and your will. Help me to be more spirit driven.

AMEN

Stand Strong

When you focus on your problems instead of trusting God, you’re going to end up exhausted. And you’re going to be defeated because God didn’t design you to fight your battles alone. You don’t have the power you need to face every problem in your own strength. You need God’s power. You can’t focus on your problems and focus on God at the same time. You’ve got to shift your focus to who God is and what he’s promised to do for you. Life is full of experiences that test you, drain you, and wipe you out. When you are worn out, that’s when you’re ready to say to God, “I’m sorry. I can’t handle this situation, and I’ve tried everything. I need to give it to you because it’s bigger than me.” So, what should you do when you are overwhelmed? You stand strong. Standing strong is an attitude of quiet confidence in the character of God. You will be successful when you put your trust in what he says to you through his Word and the Holy Spirit. When you get with God, you’ll never have to give up ground because you are standing strong. When the burden is overwhelming, you may be tempted to cave in under the pressure. God doesn’t want you to back down from difficult situations. He doesn’t want you to sacrifice your integrity. God wants you to trust him through the challenges and learn from them. If you run, you’ll miss out on learning from God. And chances are, you’ll need to repeat that lesson. God is committed to your success. But you need to focus on him and trust him and his Word if you want to stand your ground.